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My heart is full...

April 18, 2007

....but damn I'm tired.

Everything about motherhood the second time around is easier so far with the exception of the sleep depravation.  That is just as hard or maybe harder than I remember. Maybe because I am a world class hypocrite – Amelia has found a comfortable night time home in our bed.  Isn't it funny how kids have a way of breaking all the rules you set for yourself?  I am not a fan of co-sleeping (still not!) but right now it is the only way we are getting sleep.  The peanut sleeps pretty well when she's with us, putting together 3 ½-4 hours at a stretch.  In the co-sleeper or the crib she is fussy, up all the time, making these kind of scary gasping noises like she's choking (or as John says, like we've left her on the front lawn) but in our bed she's calm and sleeping soundly.  I'm telling myself this is due in large part to her two week early arrival and being a pretty light weight.  We need to make some moves toward transitioning her at least to the co-sleeper in the next few weeks here, but for now I stand in my hypocrisy and am co-sleeping.  But I'm exhausted because I am not sleeping terribly soundly in a state of semi-awareness that our peanut is in our bed.

It is funny how different children can be right from the start.  Amelia wants to be held all the time.  She will sometimes consent to the sling, occasionally the bouncy seat (so I can shower or throw together dinner) but mostly she just wants mom or dad to hold her.  Ava couldn't have been more different.  From the start she liked to lie on the couch or activity mat and bicycle baby.  She always slept better when she was laid down and slept in her crib from day one.  I hesitate to characterize them as I want to be open to all the things they are and the things they will be, but from the start Ava was a more independent little person.  But perhaps, again, this is due to Amelia being littler and earlier. I will be curious to see how this unfolds as they grow.

I've already had my first big parenting screw up with Amelia.  Didn't take long, did it?  Amelia and I ran to the mall to exchange/return some gifts.  I used the stroller with the car seat attachment.  While we were at the mall it was time to nurse her so I took her out of her seat.  When I put her back in I didn't buckle her up, but I did tuck a blanket around her.  So, you guessed it, I finish shopping, wheel her out to the car and secure the car seat in the base.  But I didn't strap her back in.  And I didn't even know it until we were home and I went to get her out of the car seat.  I feel sick about it, just sick.  I can promise I won't be making that mistake again.

Breast feeding is going really well with Amelia, which is a relief.  Ava nursed like a champ, but you just never know, right?  I've started pumping this week, once a day in the morning so I can have some back up in the freezer.  Something I was not able to do with Ava for reasons unknown.  Amelia's pediatrician recommends introducing a bottle between 3 and 4 weeks, which is this weekend.  John is ready for bottle duty and I am very ready to be able to be able to leave the peanut with another caregiver every now and then.  Her primary source of food will remain directly breast feeding since it works pretty well for us.  But the prospect of John being able to take a night time feeding, the opportunity to take Ava for some one on one time with momma, or (gasp!) I get a pedicure, is fairly freeing. 

By spurts I would say Ava is doing ok with the transition of welcoming Amelia to our family.  She looks for all the world like her father, but temperamentally she is much more like me.  That, and my postpartum hormones are making me feel very keyed into her anxiety right now.  Like her momma, Ava is a bit of a control freak.  She is also a little person who needs a lot of information.  Those two characteristics have been especially heightened since Amelia's birth.  It is hard to describe – it is like she is just pushing up against everything right now.  She is very involved with Amelia and generally very sweet to her, but I think it is due in part to her need to insure she isn't missing anything and that she is getting the attention she wants/needs/desires.  I miss my one on one time with Ava – it was just us for such a long time.  And right now, by breast feeding necessity, I am Amelia's primary caregiver.  I'm hoping this weekend to get some time with just Ava.  I think it will be good for both of us.  I think Ava will weather this just fine, but right now I know this is a little bit rough on her. 

Maternity leave is mostly ok.  Amelia's birth came at a sort of awkward time professionally, so I am doing a little bit of work each day, via email and phone, trying to meet my responsibilities there.  It is remarkable what a more manageable birth experience does for a person.  Apart from the sleep depravation I feel pretty good physically a huge difference from my last experience where at this point I was still taking Tylenol 3 and sitting on the Boppy.  I only gained 25 lbs and am now 10 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight.  However, the only clothes I can wear are draw string OR maternity pants.  For the most part maternity tops are working better, although they are starting to look a bit bloomy.  Ava continues to go to child care during the day – John leaves with her around 8-8:30am and picks her up around 4:30pm.  I think the routine is very good for her, although I'd like to plan some outings in the next few weeks before I return to work.  I struggle a bit with the rhythm of my days – Amelia does ok with occasional outings, but for the most part we nurse and try to keep the house in some semblance of order.  So I am a bit indolent with my days of nursing, tv watching, laundry... 

By the way, when did 'Dr. Phil' get so trashy? I am not typically home during the day to watch it, but the times I've watched in the past few years I thought it was sort of dignified – talking about things like communication with your spouse, parenting styles, food/dieting etc... things that I could watch and learn something from.  The past couple of weeks that I've been home on maternity leave I've tried to watch the show a couple of times and it has just been outrageously trashy.  The most extreme examples of human suffering and dysfunction – not issues that have been the slightest bit relatable for me.  I was just wondering...

I am going to wrap up and attach two pictures, one of me and Ava taken over the weekend that makes me think I need to call the dermatologist about Botox, the other is my little peanut that I am planning to send out with her birth announcements.  How lucky am I?

Thanks for reading—

--Kate