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Preparing the way

January 30, 2007

The holidays have come and gone, Meghan has gone back to school and I am facing a feeling bordering on panic that seems to grow exponentially each day by how much there seems to be to do before our Swabie makes her appearance.  On one hand the perspective of a second child makes me aware of how very little a newborn needs, particularly in those early days.  Frankly the boob, some pajamas and a car seat to get home from the hospital would be about the extent of the 'have to haves' if you want to get really technical about it.  But being the control freak/obsessive planner/compulsive organizer that I am, naturally my list is longer.

We live in a fairly modest home, about 1700 square feet, in a very vanilla housing development.  Before Ava was born we partially finished the basement to include an office and an additional bedroom.  There are three bedrooms upstairs – a master and two small (10x10) kids bedrooms and the basement has an office, which we currently use as kind of a second living room with a television, chair, shelves etc... and a bedroom where Lane sleeps.  Obviously John and I are in the master, Ava sleeps in one of the upstairs bedrooms and the other is Meghan's when she's here, but most of the time it is a guest room/empty room.  That room will be converted to the baby's nursery and we will change the basement office/living room to Meghan's space/guest room.  I recognize this is less than ideal for Meghan.  The room where we will set her up is not a bedroom.  You walk down the stairs and land in that room, there is no option for privacy.  There is no door, no closet.  As a person, a mother, a step mother I am big on privacy.  I never enter the older kids rooms without knocking or asking, with the possible exception of putting something right inside the door, like shoes left out or the like.

But the change is coming and there is no other practical way to sleep all our kids.  While we are going to be practically bursting at the seams in this house once the baby arrives, the fact is that it is not likely we will ever own a house large enough to give every child of ours their own ideal and distinct space.  That would mean five bedrooms and when our two older children are on the verge of launching into adulthood that just doesn't make any sense!  I think Meghan is ok with this, she's made a few comments that suggest she is less than ecstatic, but honestly I think a good portion of that is wrapped up in her own struggles with the transition from youth to adulthood and the independence she both craves and fears.  She spends very few nights at our house outside of holiday and summer breaks and I would suspect this summer will be her last under our roof.

This weekend we finally got the ball rolling on the logistics necessary to create a nursery for the baby.  We ordered new carpeting for the two upstairs kids rooms we had replaced the mater/stairs/hallway a couple of years ago.... Um, why didn't we do the two kids rooms at that time?  I have no idea.  We picked out paint for both Ava and Swabie's room – a pale violet tinged with pink. On a recommendation we found a woman who is going to paint for us, an indulgence to be sure, but the price is very reasonable and her work is impeccable.  In fact, I think we're going to have her paint the whole upstairs, master and hallway.  We got a dresser for the baby.  (We will reuse Ava's crib, changing table, rocker)  We have picked out new bedding, but still need to order it.  Being the freak that I am, all this activity actually makes me feel more anxious because each thing I check off the 'to do' list seems to add two new things.  I am really trying to focus my anxiety on the things that will really make my life easier BEFORE the baby comes and leave the things that can wait.  And while this might not be the most riveting way to start an entry, it actually feels better to write it out.  So thanks for indulging me.

I think some of my anxiety about baby logistics might be masking some different fears.  Like, first of all, I have to get this baby born.  And while all of the various prenatal testing we've had done would indicate she is healthy, I still worry about that to a certain extent.  But looming larger is the prospect of going through labor again.  I know it is ridiculous because I knew full well the day we decided to stop using birth control that the inevitable result could be another labor and delivery.  My first was very difficult and frankly somewhat traumatic.  For every bad labor story I've heard 10 worse, so I am not trying to hold myself out in some sort of macabre 'no one's had it worse than me' competition. But I would say that my experience, while not as bad as some, was sufficiently difficult to justify real fear about going through it again. 

I also have more fears about the prospect of parenting two children, doing it well, continuing to work and try to maintain some semblance of my own identity.  In the last week or so I watched an 'Oprah' show about the ongoing great debate – work outside the home, be a stay at home mom.  My beliefs on this should be made pretty obvious by my choices – I work outside the home.  But I do believe every mom is a full time mom.  And I think staying home would be infinitely more difficult than juggling professional employment and parenting. I do grow weary of how judgmental women are of those who have made a different choice.  I also think there is often a middle ground missing from this discussion.  For example, nearly two years ago I changed jobs to one that, while still very much a full time job, is much less demanding than the work I had been doing prior.  I have consciously passed up employment that might be higher profile, higher paid, allow greater professional development in order to remain available for my family, specifically my daughter.  I will be the first to admit that early days of child care for Ava were probably a wash, but now that she is three, engaged in a pre-school program, I honestly believe the benefit she receives from child care far outweighs any negatives.   

In some ways any discussion of staying at home vs working outside the home is moot.  Financially it is not an option for us.  On the Oprah show I watched last week I was sort of offended by a woman who said you could make different choices, like not carrying a cell phone, in order to really be there for your kids.  John and I live with an admittedly broad definition of what constitutes necessities, but even with two professional jobs finances are tight.  Of course we are only 2 ½ years past John's career change/law school.  Our home is lovely, but far from opulent.  I drove a VW Bug (which we are going to have to trade out when the baby comes – another point of panic) that is nearly four years old, John drives a Saturn that is three years old.  In the six years we've been married we've been on one vacation.  We are very fortunate, we own our choices, but those choices do not allow for the loss of one income to be 'really there' for our children as the woman on Oprah alluded to.  In the end the debate has no winner and only serves to second guess legitimately difficult choices faced by parents every day. I know of no parents who don't make their choices with the best interest of their children and family at heart.

My ever expanding mid-section seems to be bringing out some really random pregnancy related comments.  Lots of variations of the 'you must plan to keep trying until you get your boy' message.  For the record, no.  If for some reason I wind up with a caesarian section I will have my tubes tied.  If I don't, John will go the more permanent route and get himself snipped.  We are done.  I had a woman at church tell me she didn't know I was 'that way.'  Um, what way?  Many comments on my size, most in the realm of me not looking big enough to be six and half months pregnant and concern that I haven't gained enough weight.  I did have the unfortunate stomach flu incident where I lost a kind of startling amount of weight.  Which I put right back on and then some as soon as the bug passed.  For the record as of this morning I have gained about 14 pounds total and I am 29 weeks.  During my pregnancy with Ava I followed a similar pattern and in my last trimester I gained almost 20 pounds.  Its coming people, its coming. But I am also 5'8" and I am relatively thin and my doctor is not the least bit concerned. The baby is measuring right on track if not a little big.

Ava had her first ear infection in more than a year this week on the heels of a nasty little cold. The first year of Ava's life was one long ear infection, but blessedly she seems to have outgrown them.  While we were at the doctor we had to ask her (not our usual pediatrician) to tell Ava it was time to start pooping in the potty.  During the last bout of constipation the pediatrician encouraged Ava to poop it out and told her it was ok to poop in her pants.  Ava internalized that advice and tells us and her child care providers that it is ok that she poops in her pants because the doctor told her so.  The doctor was very kind and gracious in correcting that piece of advice, but so far we continue to have no luck. 

 This week I had kind of a bad stepparenting moment.  I've written here about my sadness around the distance I feel in my relationship with Lane. And my hopes that over time and over the course of our lives we can find a path to our own relationship.  I do understand that ultimately it has to be up to him.  And for the most part he is polite and respectful to me, but there is a distance and some times indifference there that can be hard to navigate.  This week I was doing some loads of laundry.  I went downstairs to switch laundry around and found my WET clothes sitting on the laundry room floor. (FYI – the laundry room is in the unfinished part of our basement, so the clothes were on the bare concrete, again, wet) Lane had put a load of his own clothing in the washer.  Three empty laundry baskets sat nearby.  I was in the house (as was John) when he did it, so all he really had to do was ask.  Because honestly, if my wet clothes would have found their way to a laundry basket I am not sure that would have made it any better.  It really hurt me – his complete indifference to my things.  John jumped right in, but what do you really say or do to 'punish' that?  All I can say that I am doing, or not doing, is he's totally on his own for laundry now.  It is still pretty ouchie and I don't think I am one to hold a grudge.

I have been thinking a lot about parenting, especially in the face of parenting two plus my two step children.  I have read a couple of books I have seen recommended that have given a nice focus to my beliefs on parenting.  One is "Love and Logic in Early Childhood" that I really liked and appreciated.  As with most 'advice' I have internalized some of it, discarded pieces of it, based on what I know about my daughter.  One thing I hold close is that children deserve to be respected and honored for the individuals they are.  This weekend I was reading the Modern Love column in the New York Times and saw this quote from a man writing about the struggles he had with his daughter as she grew up:

"I could not admit until much later that no matter how understanding I claimed to be, I had behaved as though Anna were my surrogate, her behavior a reflection of my parenting skills, her beliefs a mirror of my ideals, her goals a product of my ambition." Ronald Berger – Modern Love, New York Times.

It stayed with me because I think this is a universal struggle for parents and if its not, then it is a struggle for me with my daughter, my step-daughter, step-son and my soon to be born daughter. For as much as I value individuality and honor their independence I am still wholly guilty of the kind of thinking so eloquently captured by Mr. Berger.

With that, I will leave you with this long entry...

Thanks for reading—

--Kate