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September 1, 2003
It’s the first day of Spring here in Australia so what better day to get my act together and write a new entry. Actually I am glad it is finally September as August has been a tough month! More on that later. I’ll divide my entry up into sections which seems to be an easier format to navigate.
MY INTRO – continued
I finished my last entry in the last few weeks of my pregnancy, very excited about the arrival of our little boy. We’d found out the sex at my 20 week scan. I always knew I’d never be able to wait until the birth to find out the sex and I felt an even deeper connection with our baby by being able to say ‘him’ and ‘his’, plan his nursery and buy his clothes (and all of the other bits and pieces you just ‘have to have’!) Having said that, if we have another baby I think I would like to be surprised this time (there are only so many surprises in life, right?) DH was still very ill and in hospital when I had my scan so it was sad that he couldn’t be there but it was done at the same hospital so I went right to the ICU and cheered him up with the news that we were going to have a son!
I was 10 day overdue when Ryan was born on 29 November 01. I went into hospital around 7pm on 28th and labour was induced. I guess they thought I would rest overnight (rest? who can rest when you are about to meet your baby?!) and labour would start the next day. Well, I started cramping within an hour of having the gel applied, my waters broke around 11pm and then whammo - full on contractions. I had read that induction can lead to a fast and strong labour but I didn’t expect this ferocity!! In hindsight, I wish I had just waited a few more days, I am sure I would have gone into labour on my own and the baby and I were doing just fine at that point. It was a difficult night, to put it mildly and the epidural man became my best friend at around 4am – BLISS! No more pain but I was so tired; I was beyond tired. I remember the midwife saying I was almost fully dilated but they never did tell me to start pushing – the baby was not far down enough and things were not progressing. The upshot was that his heart beat was becoming a little erratic and he was not moving any further, for love nor money! At 9am the following morning, I was wheeled down to surgery and at 9.19am our son Ryan Mark was born, strong and healthy with an ever so slightly pointed head where he had been trying to get out but couldn’t quite make it!
I was so happy to see him but frankly all I wanted to do was roll over (almost an impossibility for the next few days) and go to sleep. You know that kind of absolute, bone-deep exhaustion [welcome to motherhood!] where you can barely keep your eyes open? Well that was me, for all that day and most of the next. I would sleep for a while, wake and remember I had had this beautiful baby and worry about who was taking care of him and should I get up and start changing nappies etc etc?? I did try to feed him a couple of times that first day and I think we both fell asleep within minutes. I have never felt such an overwhelming tiredness, but at the same time a very contented tiredness.
Our breastfeeding journey was not a successful one. The midwives would tell me he was attaching correctly but every attempt was so painful and I ended up with cracked and bleeding nipples. I felt like such a failure! First, I couldn’t deliver my baby the ‘natural’ way, now I couldn’t feed him. It was about then that I started on the slippery slide to post natal depression which was not at all helped by the sleep deprivation that we all go through in the early weeks. Don’t get me wrong – I loved that gorgeous little baby but I thought, if only I can have a week off to recover, to sleep, to gain my strength, to let my body heal properly and then I’ll start this mothering caper afresh! My DH was great, helping me with night feeds etc so no complaints there but let’s face it, those early weeks are HARD and I had never expected to be dealing with formula, bottles, sterilising etc. My milk never really ‘came in’ despite ultrasound treatment to try to encourage things along a bit. I hired a pump to keep trying but was only ever able to produce a few mls. It was very discouraging and very sad. I knew I had everything I ever wanted – a wonderful partner and our sweet, pretty little baby but I felt so SAD!
PPD
After Christmas, I knew something was not right. I was not getting any enjoyment out of anything – I felt like crying all the time. I had a beautiful baby that I did not give birth to naturally, whom I could not nurture with my own milk. That, in addition, to new mum exhaustion and all the stresses of that particular year (DH’s potentially life threatening illness and surgeries) led my OB to diagnose PPD. We had also arranged our wedding for mid January (yes I know, silly me, very naïve of me to plan such a big thing so close to having a baby) and I guess things all became too much for me. I spent a couple of days in our Mother/Baby Unit (what a place to see the New Year in) and started medication (Zoloft) and worked on strengthening the bond with my little boy. With a lot of support and help from my family, I was on an upward curve again and starting to enjoy my new life. I stayed on the Zoloft for 6 months but by the end of January, things were looking pretty much okay for us. And yes, we did get married on January 12th and everything turned out beautifully. Ryan was the ‘best man’ at the ripe old age of 8 weeks. He had our rings tied to his jacket and Mark’s 10 year old daughter Jessica held him and brought him to us to exchange rings. It was a very special day.
WORK
I had 6 months maternity leave and returned to work full-time in May 2002. Heart-wrenching and difficult are the words I’d use to describe it. I do like my job and it is incredibly interesting but I would much prefer to only do it part time! Not possible right now. Ryan has a family day carer (a carer who looks after 5-6 children in her own home) for 3 days a week and my mum takes care of him for the other 2 days. It is hard and I know a lot of mums juggle work and family life very well and even enjoy it, but I do find it a struggle. I am blessed that Ryan is such a good boy and was always a relatively ‘easy’ baby. We have got ourselves into a pretty good routine but there are never enough hours in the day, are there?
RYAN
Well, my baby has just turned 21 months – how can that be? He had a difficult August, contracting conjunctivitis, followed by gastroenteritis then a cough/cold that wouldn’t go away. I guess it was all part of the one ‘bug’/virus/whatever they call it these days. He coped so well with it all though and he is now fine. I had a few days off work when he wasn’t well and it was just lovely to be able to stay home and just BE there with him, doing all those fun mum and baby things (in between changing those delightful nappies (!) and chasing him around the room with a bucket – isn’t it just impossible to get a toddler to vomit into any sort of container? !! After that rough month, my doctor gave me a prescription for the chickenpox vaccine but I haven’t had it filled yet – any advice on this vaccine? Ryan has been fully vaccinated for everything else, including the meningococcal vaccine (we’ve had a few outbreaks of that here in Tasmania) but I am reluctant to give him every last vaccine available and ‘overload’ his little system.
SPRING
At last! This is my favourite time of the year. Here is Tasmania, we don’t have the extreme heat of your stereotypical Australian summer but it does get up there at times. Spring is so mild and pleasant, I wish it could stay like this all year. We have the 4 distinct seasons but the winters aren’t too bad (lowest temps generally around 6 degrees Celsius, no snow) and our summers don’t get as hot as, say, Queensland (northern Australia). Daylight savings is starting in 4 weeks so I am looking forward to getting outside with Ryan after work and having a good old play in the garden!
MY WEIGHT LOSS GOAL
About 3 weeks ago I started Weight Watchers for the very 1st time. Before I had Ryan I had started to gain a little weight and after Ryan, I didn’t do a very good job of losing the additional baby weight. With summer just around the corner, I decided it was time to do something about it. I have lost almost 2 kgs now – not huge, but it’s a start! It is also nice to have some ‘me’ time on meeting nights. Not very exciting ‘me’ time, but time just the same! My goal is to lose another 15kgs. I’m currently a size 14-16 and am aiming to be a 10-12. I think the sizing system is different in the U.S. (I’ve heard of women being a size 2 – to us Aussies that sounds impossible!) I just want to firm up and ditch some of this flab, especially if we decide to have another baby.
ANOTHER CHILD?
I would love to have another child, despite my hectic and crazy lifestyle with just one child! I will be 36 in October so I really would like to do it sooner rather than later. DH isn’t so sure. He is 40 and he has Ryan (21 months) and Jessie (12 years) and he kind of feels his family is complete. Simple fact is – I’d love a daughter of my very own! I’d also be over the moon with another boy too. I am just besotted with our little boy and love everything to do with babies (I have way too many books, products, clothes, magazines etc. – hey, I even used to enjoy shopping for baby food and nappies ) I am sure I would announce it here in my diary if I became pregnant, so stay tuned!
Well, I’m at work so I’d better go do something. Do you working mums out there spend far too much time at work perusing the boards, reading the diaries and generally catching up??! I’m always looking for new entries and am really enjoying reading about all the new writers.
Until next time
~ Sue
If you would like a peek at us, Ryan’s webpage can be found at www.babiesonline.com/babies/r/rg
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