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Home › Articles › Real Relationships › When Friendship
Becomes Unhealthy

When Friendship
Becomes Unhealthy

Saying "Goodbye" to Toxic Friends

By Shannon McKelden

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(Busy Bee Group, 2003), believes you can avoid getting hooked up with toxic friends by creating healthy boundaries such as saying "no" when you mean no. "You don't have to please everyone all the time," Mandel says. "It is important in a friendship to express yourself naturally and truthfully. If this is compromised, then this is not a real friendship."

Breaking Free
Once you find yourself in a toxic friendship, how do you change the situation? Is confrontation always the best option, or is it sometimes OK to let the friendship die a natural death?

"If you feel that most of the time spent together leaves you unhappy and unwell, then communicate openly with your friend that it is time for you to move on and why," Mandel says. "Just get to the point of the problem and then listen. You might learn something you didn't know and can compromise or rekindle the relationship from a new, set point."

There are pros and cons of direct confrontation, though. "If you confront them, it entails summoning your nerves for an uncomfortable interaction," Dr. Davis says. "They may absolutely not 'get it' or want to argue you down or even be aggressive or hurtful to you during the conversation. Most of us would rather avoid that."

On the other hand, "If you choose to articulate your feelings and concerns at least you are formally saying what needs to be said by you even if it falls on deaf ears," Dr. Davis says. "It may serve you better in the long run because you know you've behaved in a forthright, honest manner."

Eisenberg tried simply letting her toxic friendship fade, but when that didn't work, she was forced to take the more direct route. "Eventually I e-mailed her ... and basically told her that I felt we had grown apart and that we were in different places in our lives," Eisenberg says. "I explained that I didn't feel we had anything connecting us anymore and that it would be better if we didn't talk for a bit. That was about two to three years ago, and I haven't heard from her since."

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