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Relations Rift
When Conflict Divides the Family
By Carma Haley Shoemaker
It has been said that fighting in a relationship – any relationship – is healthy. It offers you a chance to clear the slate, to share your concerns or complaints and allow others to do the same. However, when you let a conflict build and build, it not only leads to a major "blowup," but can create a rift in the family that can last for days, weeks, months or even years.
"My entire family fights," says Mary Allen from Phoenix, Ariz. "I haven't spoken to my brother since he was hospitalized two years ago. My father only ever speaks to me when he thinks I have done something he doesn't approve of. My birth family makes it an art form to fight. They love to try and correct other family members' 'personality disorders.' When I opted out of the nonsense I became the favorite target."
Many of the family conflicts exist as a result of a minor issue, disagreement and/or argument. It is when neither party can apologize for their actions or reactions that allows the matter to continue.
"If the issues are relatively minor, it usually takes one to rise above the fray and approach the other one," says Dr. Scott Sheperd, author of Who's in Charge? Attacking the Stress Myth. "If one member acknowledges that he/she behaved in an offensive manner, it usually works best if they admit that. But that would mean that the other person was 'right,' and some cannot admit to that. Obviously the person receiving the apology should accept it and not rub the other person's nose in it. Family members should not try to 'win' – thus lies the true conflict behind family rifts."
According to Dr. Karres, depending on the nature of the conflict, the first step has to be a willingness by at least one of the conflicting members. Otherwise, it's all for naught.