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Giving Too Much
How to Say "No" Guilt Free! By Mary Dixon Lebeau
Learning to Say No
So how do we escape the never-ending cycle of "yes" and the stress that goes along with it? Women need to learn to make a guilt-free "no" their own, says Dr. Paul Coleman, a psychologist and family therapist in Wappinger Falls, N.Y. Dr. Coleman, author of How to Say It for Couples, adds that a woman should set her own priorities and then weigh each request based on those values. "It becomes easier to say no if you realize just what will suffer if you say yes," he explains.
To stay focused on those priorities, Nadel suggests a card trick: "One way to train yourself to say no is to write the number 180 on a card and stick it on your refrigerator. When someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, ask yourself, 'If I had six months (180 days) to live, would I choose to do this?' Then respond to the request with your answer in mind."
Here are six steps toward a guilt-free "no":
- Explore Your Motives Why do you continue to say yes, even when you're overextended? For some, it's the need to be needed. If this is the case, make a checklist of the people who need you and the things you need to do already. This will remind you of what will suffer if you say yes to an additional project.
- Practice, Practice, Practice Practice doesn't only make perfect; it makes habit. Practice saying no to your kids, your spouse, even your reflection in the mirror. Then try it with strangers, starting with those pushy telemarketers. After some practice, you'll be surprised how much easier that "no" will come, especially when you're put on the spot.
- Stop Hesitating She who hesitates often finds herself stretched to the limit. If you know you can't do something, let the person making the request know as soon as possible. "Maybe" isn't good enough. A definite "no" will make you feel free immediately (and will also give the person more time to find someone else!).
- Delegate If you can't do something, why not suggest someone who can? Or, if you find a project irresistible, delegate some of your "everyday" responsibilities to your spouse and children so you can give your time without guilt.
- No Now, Yes Later Remember that "no" isn't forever. In some cases, it may just mean "not now." If you're particularly busy when a request is made, say so and add that you'd be happy to help out later when your schedule isn't quite so full.
- Define What You Can Do The PTA may ask you to bake 10 dozen cookies, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't be happy with five dozen or even with a donation of punch. If you're interested in helping out, but unable to fulfill a particular request, let the requestor know what you CAN do. Then he can decide if your help on your terms is still necessary.