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Blended Families
Making It Work for Everyone By Kelly Burgess
, explains that this age group is in a delicate transition phase when their emotional self is developing.
"At this age, they have not yet developed abstract thinking and are often looking for something concrete to hang this abstract issue on," says Bouchard. "Often, they will come up with a reason that involves them, even if it's a bizarre reason. This is an age where it's common for children to blame themselves for their parents' breakup."
"When people first marry or get together, there's a real honeymoon period," says Bouchard. "Also, before the marriage they're being mixed in a contrived environment where the point is to have fun. It's essential for the two families to have time together and develop a friendship and rapport, not just by having a good time, but also through games or activities where you work together as a group to get from point A to point B. This can be as simple as baking cookies together. This helps evryone to learn how to operate in a family unit."
Bouchard also highly recommends premarital counseling to be sure that both adults completely understand what the other's role is going to be. She says that often a person will hear what they want to hear rather than what their partner is saying. For example, she tells of one couple she has worked with where the wife made it clear before the marriage that she did not want to be a mother to her new husband's two kids. However, the prospective husband saw what a good mother she was to her own children and assumed it would carry over to his children. When it didn't, problems arose.
There are other problems that Bouchard sees repeatedly in families after they blend. Counseling can help the adults learn to deal with these issues, some of which may stem from problems with their previous marriages.
Here are some of the most common scenarios Bouchard sees: