Coping With an Empty Nest

By Felicia Hodges

An unfamiliar sadness engulfed Erica Carr of New York as she and her husband were dropping off their son, Nate, at college in Boston.

"It kind of hit me when we were walking out of the room and as we drove away from the city," she says. "It felt like such a severe loss."

Ellen Gamberg, homemaker and mother of 23-year-old Lea, was happy when her only child announced that she was getting married. For close to a year, mother and daughter handled most of the wedding details together, picking out flowers and bridesmaid dresses.

But when the big day arrived, Ellen felt sad and lonely. "I guess it finally hit me that she would be leaving home for good to start a life with [her fianc蛬" she says. "Of course I was happy for her but I was really blue for me. She lived at home when she went to college and I guess I realized that the longest she'd ever been away from home before was two weeks of summer camp when she was in grade school."

According to family psychologist Dr. Marlon Fleischer, the feelings that Ellen and Erica experienced are common for parents once their children leave home to live somewhere else. "Parents dedicate so much of their day-to-day existence to their children to try and help them grow to be responsible adults," Dr. Fleischer says. "Once those children leave home for good, it often triggers feelings of loss because what had been their primary job for so long is now over. Their children have become adults."

It is not unusual for parents to become depressed once their last child leaves the nest. "But often, those feelings are temporary and pass relatively quickly, especially if the child is doing well in life, be it college or a new career," Dr. Fleischer says.

Erica's feelings of loss intensified once she arrived home.

"The first month was the hardest," she says. "You're so used to catering to [your child], and then you've suddenly got all this time on your hands." She had to adjust, making smaller meals and missing the swim meets Nate competed in as a high school student. But eventually, she adopted a routine that helped her adapt to life with two people under the roof instead of three. This included giving more attention to her husband, Steve, a benefit she says he loved.

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