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Good Mothers Do Have Sex
Tips for Mixing Parenthood and Passion
By Sue Marquette Poremba
(Fireside, May 2002), it is a matter of setting priorities. "Just like anything else, if you want to have sex, you need to make the time to do it," she says.
Dr. Davis Raskin suggests that, first of all, women may need to change the way they approach motherhood. "The culture of motherhood creates impossible expectations," she writes on her Website, www.dr-valerie.com. "Maternal perfectionism and excessive self-sacrifice is a treadmill with no off switch."
Let someone else drive the carpool to ballet. The world won't end if you decide to skip a soccer game. Instead, invite your husband to join you in a bubble bath. For an hour, focus on the part of you that is a wife and lover.
How you manage to sneak in a few minutes of alone time might seem impossible, but it's not. "You've got to be creative," says Hilary Evans of Fort Dodge, Iowa.
Part of being creative is talking about what you are willing to do or try. Being able to discuss expectations of the bedroom relationship allows couples to make the changes needed to make things better. Sex is unique to each marriage, and the couple needs to decide what works best for them. One couple may decide that early Saturday morning is their regular alone time because they know the kids will be engrossed with cartoons. Another couple decides to experiment with sex toys and reading erotica. A third couple prefers to be more spontaneous, agreeing that at least once a week they drop everything to sneak off for a little romance.
Don't be surprised if learning to be comfortable with each other in the bedroom takes time. Dr. Davis Raskin explains that it can take a woman 10 to 15 years to truly feel comfortable and confident with her sexual being.
"Sex, in my opinion, is just part of what bonds a couple," says Ann Helmers of Miai, Fla. Helmers says that some couples have an intense sexual chemistry, and they put sex high on the priority list. "On behalf of us more tepid couples," she says, "I think that even if the sex isn't always earth-shattering, partners are still feeling a connection with each other."
