Good Mothers Do Have Sex

Tips for Mixing Parenthood and Passion

By Sue Marquette Poremba

"I guarantee one thing will happen to every marriage here," my husband told a group of engaged couples at a marriage prep seminar. "Once the kids start coming, the first thing to go is sex. When the baby arrives, you are too tired from lack of sleep. When the kid is older, you end up busy all the time. You'll find time for sex when you want to have another baby, and then it starts all over again." He smiled at the couples. "As soon as the kids are old enough, send them to their grandparents for an overnight visit. It will make everybody happy."

Kids take a lot out of a marriage – time, energy and attention, for starters. And as the kids get older, when they join sports or other activities and make friends of their own, they demand even more time, energy and attention. Eventually, between jobs and carpooling and household chores, the person you end up having the least amount of time for is your spouse.

Most days you are lucky to have enough energy to give your husband a kiss good night. That romp between the sheets that he is begging for is out of the question. You tell him that when you aren't so tired, or maybe sometime over the weekend would be good. He rolls over, frustrated, and you stare into the darkness, exhausted and wondering if you'll ever be in the mood again.

A sexless marriage, even if it is temporary, can cause a sense of disconnectedness between a wife and husband. Oftentimes, when sex does happen, it feels more like a chore than an act of pleasure. And because of the way the media portrays mothers as sexless or frigid, women are given the impression that this is the norm. Good mothers don't have sex.

However, it is possible to mix a passionate marriage with parenthood. According to Valerie Davis Raskin, M.D., author of the book Great Sex for Moms: Ten Steps to Nurturing Passion while Raising Kids

Want to see more?

• Keep the Fire Burning: The Dad-to-be's Guide to Keeping Sex "Hot" During and After Pregnancy
• Sex Isn't a Four-letter Word: Stepping Back into Intimacy After Children
• Better in Bed: How Self Image Affects Sex Life
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