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Relations Rift
When Conflict Divides the Family
By Carma Haley Shoemaker
"A conflict that cannot be resolved is a conflict that hasn't been explored deeply enough," says Dr. Erika Karres, parenting/education expert and "The School Doctor" from Chapel Hill, N.C. "If the involved people want to tackle it, the rift can be mended. However, a good rule is to try three times. If one's attempts are rebuffed, then one should wait a while and try again the following year. One should never shut the door totally. Families are too precious to be split permanently."
How should outside members of the family – who are not involved directly in the conflict – handle ultimatums from either "side," forcing them to choose or take a stand? According to Sheperd, answering such an ultimatum can create an even bigger rift.
"If the issues are major, then there might not be reconciliation between the parties involved," Dr. Sheperd says. "The members who are having the rift should not put other family members to the litmus test – 'are you with me or him/her?' Outside family members should also warn the fighting members to not put them in the middle. However, some members might pick sides anyway, if they think one of the disputing members is really out of line. Even then it is up to them to not take sides against all the other family members. The event could go from two fighting family members to another Hatfield vs. McCoy situation."
Dealing with family members isn't an exact science with strict rules and consequences that demand an either/or approach. Little by little one should try to bridge the gap. Even actual bridges take a long time to be built. So why expect a long-sanding family feud to suddenly disappear? Even then, sometimes families need to learn to accept that despite their shared blood, or family name, they must appreciate that some problems are unsolvable.
