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Waving to the School Bus
Helping Your Toddler Adjust When Older Siblings Go off to School
By Keath Castelloe Low
One of the most important influences on a toddler's feelings would be the presence or absence of the parent, Samalin says. Does the younger one now have Mom or Dad all to himself? If so, his feelings may be conflicted. "I miss my older sibling ... but now I have Mom or Dad all to myself," she says.
Blair VanHook, mother of three from Raleigh, N.C., says that her daughter, Genna, experienced some of these feelings of ambivalence when her older sister went off to school. "She really enjoyed having time with just me," VanHook says. At the same time, however, Genna pined for her sister. "Genna missed Libbie," she says. "She constantly asked when Libbie was getting home and said she wanted Libbie to play with." When Libbie returned home from school, Genna was always very excited and happy.
Sonna suggests that parents talk to toddlers about what is happening to help them express the emotions they cannot verbalize. Conversations such as, "Your big brother is at school," "Soon your big sister will be coming home," "Let's surprise your brother by making his favorite lunch," "Let's draw your sister a picture" and "Let's see if you can sit on the potty just like your brother. When he comes home, we'll tell him you are learning to use the potty, too," help your toddler understand the changes.
Sonna also stresses the importance of acknowledging what is going on. "Pretending that nothing is different suggests that it doesn't matter to you that a family member has disappeared," she says. Talk with your toddler about your own feelings. "Remember that it is normal and healthy to miss a loved one," she says. "Let your toddler know that you miss his sibling, too."
Routines give structure and predictability to the day. In her work with families, Samalin stresses the importance of daily routines in a child's life. "Without it there is chaos and confusion," she says.
The repetition and familiarity of routines gives a child a sense of security. Now that the older sibling is off to school in the morning, the regular household routine has changed. For many toddlers these changes can be stressful. Getting a new routine established right away will help your toddler adjust more quickly. "Knowing what to expect will reduce his anxiety," Samalin says.
