Boosting Self-esteem

Raising Children Who Feel
Good about Themselves

By Laura Cone

When it comes to their child's self-esteem, most parents don't intentionally chip away at their child's sense of worth in the world. But experts say it is important to help your toddler feel successful.

Molly Brennan of New Tampa, Fla., says she constantly praises her children: Aidan, 2, Rory, 18 months and Jack, 5. "I try to focus on always praising them more instead of telling them they are doing something wrong," Brennan says. "Aidan has started potty training. He is putting on his underwear and pants by himself. Sometimes they are on backwards. Instead of saying, 'You put them on wrong' I tell him, 'Great job! Next time you can have the pockets in the back.'" A former third-grade teacher, Brennan also encourages her older children to praise their little brothers.

Brennan is not too big on rewards because she doesn't want her children to depend on external validation. "I try to make situations so I know they will be successful," she says. "For example, when it comes to putting socks on, which is a new thing for Aidan, I get socks that are easy to pull on."

Dr. Joshua D. Sparrow, the co-author with Dr. T. Berry Brazelton of Touchpoints Three to Six: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development (Da Capo Press, 2001), says it's important for parents to find opportunities for their toddlers to be masterful. Toddlers are often moody and frustrated because they have aims and ambitions that exceed their abilities, he says.

"Feeling successful at handling your anger is important for your self-esteem," says Dr. Sparrow, who is a child psychiatrist at the Children's Hospital in Boston. He suggests if your toddler wants to push the elevator button, let him push it, but gently remind him he can only press one.

"Things are just beyond their reach," Dr. Sparrow says. "That's one source of frustration. You can see it a little bit later their thoughts are ahead of their ability to put words together. You can see them boiling up with what they want to say and it won't come out."

Want to see more?

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• Corners and Swats or Praise and Pardons?: Discipline for Young Children
• Nickname Know-how: Can a Pet Name Affect Your Child's Self-esteem?
• Talk about it!