Trying New Traditions

Single Moms and the Holidays

By Teri Brown

Kira Nunez from Aurora, Colo., didn't expect to spend the holidays as a single mother to three boys. "My husband moved out on Halloween, so we were all still in shock during Thanksgiving and Christmas," says Nunez, who is raising a 6-month-old, a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old. "The first holidays were unbelievably difficult."

The divorce, says Nunez, led to many painful moments for her and the children that first year, including an unfortunate Christmas pageant. "The older boys were shepherds in the play, and they were sure their dad would come to the play to see their baby brother be Baby Jesus," says Nunez. "By about halfway through the play it was clear to both of them that their dad wasn't coming, and there were two shepherds crying through the Christmas story that year."

Although the first year after a divorce, as Nunez found, can be painful, it doesn't have to be a complete disaster. The good news is that making it through the first holidays after (or during) a divorce is something you only have to do once. The holidays become easier as time goes on. The key is to be prepared for the avalanche of emotions that are sure to hit you and your children on holiday occasions.

"There are three things you need to be especially aware of as you go into your first holidays after the divorce," says Vickie Lansky, author of more than a dozen books on parenting including Vicki Lansky's Divorce Book for Parents: Helping Children Cope With Divorce and Its Aftermath (Book Peddlers, 2003). "One, realize that you are probably going to be alone for part of the holidays. Two, you will probably have less money than you would normally have. Three, you are going to have to compromise your normal family traditions."

In fact, according to Lansky, it may be better not to try to follow all your old family traditions. "Often, doing the same thing you've always done just accentuates the loss for both you and your children," says Lansky. "Do enough familiar things that not everything is different, but realize it is time to start some new family traditions, too."

New traditions can include going on a trip for the holidays, serving dinner at a local shelter or going to a holiday movie. "New traditions don't have to be expensive, just use your creative energy to come up with something novel," says Lansky.

Shirley Thomas, Ph. D., a child and family psychologist and author of Parents Are Forever: A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming Successful Co-Parents After Divorce

Want to see more?

• On Your Own: Becoming a Single Mom Through Choice
• Alone: Facing an Unexpected Pregnancy Without a Partner
• Young, Pregnant and Entering Single Motherhood: Two Women's Stories
• Holiday Headquarters
• Talk about it!