When Parenting Styles Differ

Can It Affect Your Friendships?

By Shel Franco

You've been best friends since the seventh grade. First there was the prom. Then there were weddings. And now, you both have babies of your own.

At first it was great. You kept each other company through morning sickness, debated diaper brand absorbencies, and you knew when the baby was sick even before the pediatrician knew.

But now, something seems different. The babies have grown into toddlers, and you just can't seem to find the time to call. Maybe it really is because you're too busy. Or maybe that's just an excuse.

The last time you talked, your dear old pal couldn't believe your toddler was still breastfeeding. She even sounded a bit offended. And you? Well, you made no secret about your dismay at the number of hours she worked.

Could it be, that after sharing everything for so many years, you've finally found something that you don't have in common?

"Differing parenting styles can cause great problems in friendships," says Dr. Margaret Paul, best-selling author and co-author of Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? "And the outcome depends on one thing: Are both people open to learning about each other's point of view, or are one or both closed and defensive? Open and caring relationships can lead to much learning, but when one parent is treating her children in a way that the other judges as wrong, and they have no way of exploring the differences, it can lead to the dissolution of the friendship."

Carma Haley of Chester, Va. said goodbye to a 12-year relationship with a dear friend because of parenting differences. Their conflict resulted from Haley's idea of parent-child communication.

"[My friend's] children were to stand with their hands behind their backs when she or her husband were speaking to them, as well as not dispute whatever was being said," Haley says. "I, on the other hand, sit down at the table with my children and allow them a time to offer their thoughts [and] differing opinions ... before any decisions that involve them are made."

Unfortunately, her friend had a problem with this open discussion. And while she often criticized Haley for being lenient, one comment went too far.

"She told me that ... allowing my children so much freedom [was letting them] walk all over me," Haley says. "She even said, 'I will bet you my house and car that at least two of your three boys end up in prison because of you."

Haley tried to save the relationship, but it was much easier to walk away than stay and endure her friend's hurtful remarks. In doing so, she learned an important lesson that Dr. Paul addresses.

"I counsel the people I work with to speak their truth and see what happens, but they can do this only if they are willing to lose the friendship rather than lose themselves and swallow their feelings."

Want to see more?

• How should you respond when people tell you you're raising your child "wrong"? See what iParenting.com expert Elizabeth Pantley has to say!