Redefining Your Relationships

An Inside Look at Emotional Intimacy

By Neilia Sherman

The rate of marriages is down, and the rate of divorce is up, according to a report published by the National Marriage Project, a research initiative at Rutgers University in New Jersey.

The report showed the rate of marriage for every 1,000 women dropped 43 percent between 1960 and 1996, while the rate of divorce more than doubled during the same period.

Experts attribute such statistics to a fear of intimacy. While people crave love and intimacy, many walk away from potentially intimate relationships rather than take them to the next level. Elise Edelson Katch, a Denver, Colo. therapist and author of The Get: A Spiritual Memoir of Divorce (Health Communications 2001), attributes this pervasive lack of intimacy to a crisis of immaturity. "So many folks in marriages never separated from their families of origin," she says. "Their allegiance remains with their parents, and they are unable to commit to their marital partner. We will not be able to achieve intimacy with our partner unless we truly know ourselves first. So at the first sign of discomfort, folks are willing to end the relationship."

But how does one achieve true intimacy? While physical intimacy is a part of most romantic relationships, emotional intimacy is an essential part of a truly intimate union. Becoming vulnerable to your partner is key. Paul A. Falzone, chief executive officer of the world's largest dating services, Together Dating and The Right One, believes people need to trust. "Open up," he says. "Be vulnerable at this expense of being hurt. Take the risk of fully revealing yourself."

Baruk Barkin of Toronto, Ontario, Canada feels he has found true intimacy in his relationship with his girlfriend of five years. He defines this as "a comfort zone between two people who have grown close enough that they can readily and happily share any of life's experiences from the exotic to the mundane and derive a deep feeling of contentment in doing so."

Of course, achieving this level of intimacy is easier said than done, as many unattached people will attest. How do you get from Point A, a date, through the honeymoon stage and into an authentically intimate relationship?

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