What About the Kids?

Raising Your Children Before, During and After Divorce

By Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee

After Hurricane Andrew slammed into the Florida coast in 1992, killing 26 people and causing more than $30 billion in property damage, stunned residents were slow to pick up the pieces. Whole neighborhoods had been destroyed. Gradually, though, people put their communities back together. Streets still had the same names, but everything was different. Everyone was proud of the rebuilding but knew in his or her hearts that it was not the same city as before.

What happened after Hurricane Andrew is equivalent to what happens after you divorce. Divorce is an end and a beginning. From the moment you walk down the courthouse steps, you're going to need new knowledge and new ideas. But most of all, you're a different kind of parent.

One of the many things I've learned is that parents can't help their children until they've thought about themselves and about where they're coming from. So let's begin right there.

First you need to take control of your own life. I wish I could tell you that it's OK to lie down and pull the covers over your head, but that's not possible. You may feel like you're the only person in the world who could ever feel this bad, but let me assure you, you have plenty of company. Once you've decided that "it's really over," you'll have set into motion the task of becoming a different person and, to your surprise, a different kind of parent. While your decision marks the end of a marriage, it's also the formation of a new kind of family. It's a new play with different characters in strange settings, changes in parent and child relationships and predictable transitions that most parents fail to anticipate.

You're about to undergo a metamorphosis. To succeed for yourself and your children, you're going to have to create a self-image as someone who can cope with the demands set before you. You can't become an effective parent until you've regained your footing and begun to repair the damage done by the failed marriage and the inevitable stresses of the divorce.

How fast or how well this happens depends on how you respond to the challenges and frustrations that lie ahead. There's no way not to cry. Whether you left the marriage or you were the one left, crying is good for the soul. But if you're caught up in the image of having failed in your marriage – because you were betrayed or you're guilty of breaking your marriage vows or your judgment was just plain lousy – your parenting will be burdened. Nor can you muster the strength you need if you think of yourself as a victim. As strange as this sounds, if you find yourself raging at your husband, it really doesn't matter if you're right. What matters is that being enraged will eclipse your ability to be a good parent. It will cloud your judgment and make it harder for you to take care of yourself or see your children as being separate from you, with different needs and priorities in their young lives.

Want to see more?

• Parents, Lovers or Partners: How to Have It All
• On Your Own: Becoming a Single Mom Through Choice
• Redefining Your Relationships: An Inside Look at Emotional Intimacy
• Talk about it!