Don't Just Say No

Setting Effective Boundaries

By Kelly Burgess

Kids may not believe this, but it's true: We set limits because we love them. We nab that 1-year-old before he toddles into the street and let him know by our obvious fear and disapproval that it's dangerous. Limits are just as important later when children become involved in activities in school and in their social life in which parents are not directly supervising. Setting limits from the beginning in a reasonable, loving way will help a child develop a sense of responsibility and self-control that will serve him or her well all through life.

According to most experts on the matter, what's probably most important is the parent's ability to set reasonable limits. The National Association of School Psychologists concurs. In their position statement on effective parenting, they write:

"Limits can help children feel that the world is orderly, predictable and safe. Parents should consider the child's age and development when setting limits. Limits should be enforced consistently, and there should be clear and appropriate consequences when those limits are challenged."

In other words, life should not be a series of negatives, especially for the very young child. Studies have shown that children who are raised with too many rules and regulations often don't develop effective social skills and can become rebellious later in life.

Thomas Phelan, a clinical psychologist for more than 25 years specializing in children and families and author of I Never Get Anything: How to Keep Your Kids from Running Your Life (Parentmagic, Inc., 2001), says this is often a problem because parents have what he calls the "little adult assumption." In other words, parents think that children are merely small adults and should be able to respond in an adult manner.

"This is a particular problem with very intelligent and verbal parents who have children that are very intelligent and verbal," Dr. Phelan says. "Parents tend to forget they're just a kid and the parent will continually explain and then become furious when the child keeps doing the same thing 'wrong' in spite of that. The job of the parents is to help, model and praise in a nonjudgmental way."

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