Dealing with Divorce

3 Steps to Help Your Preteen Cope

By Teri Brown

No child is immune to the pressures, pain and challenges of a divorce, but perhaps the age most vulnerable to the emotional roller coaster of a family breakup is the preteen. Too old to be left in the dark and too young to understand the intricacies of human emotion, preteens can be both sweetly sympathetic and furiously angry about their parents' divorce often within the span of a few short minutes.

Heather Truett, mother of three from Tallassee, Ala., remembers her own parents' divorce at the age of 11 with painful clarity. Children of this age are often just forming opinions and crushes on the opposite sex, and Truett found that watching the pain of a breakup was confusing. "I had to deal with issues of divorce while learning about relationships firsthand in the dating world," Truett says. "When I began dating, I also began wondering what could make or break love."

Truett was lucky in that her parents were able to keep their differences and fighting to a minimum and maintain an amicable relationship for the benefit of their children. This, according to Paul Kettlewell, Ph.D., chief of pediatric psychology at Geisinger Medical Center in Danville, Pa., is the No. 1 gift you can give to your preteen child during this very difficult time.

"By far the most important thing is to behave respectfully to your ex-mate and minimize conflict," Kettlewell says. "Conflict, criticism and retaliation make it much worse for your child."

Though preteens are becoming more autonomous and social, they are not as connected to their peers as teens are and are still very dependent on their families. When a divorce occurs at this time, it can challenge their sense of security and stability. Kettlewell believes that preteens experience a significant loss when divorce occurs and have reactions similar to grief. Parents should be aware of this and not add unnecessary conflict to the mix.

"The research evidence indicates that the more conflict between parents that exists, the worse the outcome for kids whose parents divorce," Kettlewell says. "Therefore, parents need to be respectful, courteous and civil with their ex-mates, primarily to be helpful to the children. Even if your ex-mate behaves disrespectfully to you, avoid retaliating. Be respectful and kind if only for the sake of your children."

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